Looking A Gift Bunny In The Mouth

My family and I are practicing agnostics. I used to call myself a Unitarian Universalist, but the truth is, I just don't do well with weekly attendance at any kind of service. So while we don't have a spiritual 'community' in the usual sense of the word, we instead engage in various volunteer activities to help build, aid and beautify the community we live in, with hopes that others will pay it forward.

This works fine for adults, but once you have kids, not having structure for spirituality makes it a bit challenging to impart your values. Especially when it comes to holidays. We have a tree and a menorah in December; we have a seder and goody-filled baskets in spring. We atone in September, even though school has just started and the kids can't really figure out what they have done wrong in such a short period of time. So we are constantly talking about what's important, what life and the lives of others mean to us, and the best way to live in the world while keeping those values in mind.

After a week of school vacation that involved outings, movies, down time, playtime and lots of fighting, Easter morning arrived. This year, the Easter Bunny decided to give, in addition to sweets, a video game cartridge to each of my kids. One had been purchased on sale some time ago, and lusted after by my youngest son for much longer. With no birthdays, loose teeth or other opportunities for gift-giving in sight for several months, the basket seemed the perfect place for it. And to avoid trauma and in-fighting, Jacob received a game as well, though his was less expensive and not specifically requested. That, however, seemed to be the rub.

Here I was thinking myself magnanimous for going a little over the top for Easter, giving them actual gifts instead of just candy; enough over the top to earn disapproving looks from Mr. Bunny. Truly, Easter is not a gift-giving holiday--why was I spoiling the children? No, I said, this is OK. Less cavities, and guaranteed fun. Ben, at least, was thrilled.

"Mom, do you think the Easter Bunny kept the receipt?" Jacob asked me.

"I really don't know, Jacob. Why? Don't you like Pokemon?" I asked, a bit miffed that he didn't appreciate the fact that he'd just gotten a gift for no reason.

"I do, but I have another game that's a lot like this one, and it's pretty lame," he answered.

And that moment was when I realized my folly. The more we give our kids, 'just because' (fill in the blank: they want it; it's on sale; it's Easter/Passover/4th of July or any other holiday that has yet to be commercialized), we're only feeding the monster. Like our attention when they were younger, no matter how much you give, it will never be enough. Mr. Bunny was right--I'm sending the wrong message. I'm spoiling them.

When Mr. Bunny announced that there would be no video game playing today, I ducked, prepared for the backlash. After all, they had just gotten new games--how could we forbid them from playing? I dreaded the rest of the day, fueled by chocolate and the knowledge that those games were so close, yet so far. I thought him unreasonably cruel.

But then I realized two things. One, it was my own fault for setting up the situation, and two, I really hate video games. I would love to get rid of all of them, as well as our television set and fill the spaces with books, games and puzzles. But I can't, so instead I give them what they want, despite my better judgment. Maybe a bag of M&Ms would have been the better route, cavities be damned.

As the day has worn on, the kids cleaned their rooms, showered, and played outside with friends for an hour and a half. Next we will switch their winter clothes for summer ones in their closets and dressers, and then make sure the bookbags are packed with all they'll need to go back to school tomorrow. The games have been put away, and will likely be forgotten until next weekend. The lesson, though, will stay with me.

At least through Memorial Day.

This One's For You

Nothing says "I'm unhappy" like poop in the bedroom. Or should I say, nothing feels like your dog thumbing its nose at you like finding a log on your bedroom floor. And dogs don't even HAVE thumbs.

Look, rules suck. Just ask my kids. They have to do homework, bathe, clean up after themselves and go to school. They can't play video games all day, lie around on the couch until all hours or eat ice cream for dinner. But it's a lot harder to explain that these things build character and teach you to live in the real world when you're talking to a dog. A dog, mind you, who is used to sleeping in bed with his owner at night, on the couch during the day, and eating lasagna and chinese food more often than kibble.

I give Flash credit. He lost both his owners in a span of a couple of years. He had to move into a house that already had a pet, one very much loved by the family, and very well trained. He had to learn a new house, family dynamic, schedule and rules, and all while grieving his lost owners, home and lifestyle. And with all that, he's really been doing great. He's quick to learn, likes to please and is obviously trying to go with the flow until he figures it all out.

So I have to assume that, now that he fully grasps that this is his new home, he has decided to put his paw down, and put some things back into place. I've had to chase him off the couch twice this week--once, he got up there without my even noticing and likely had a nice nap before Ben realized where he was and alerted me. And Bailey has been uncommonly clingy. Perhaps his allergies are kicking in and he's feeling uncomfortable and grumpy, but when Flash comes over for a pet while Bailey is next to me, Bailey growls. Today, for the first time, he actually barked at Flash.

I admit I feel sorry for the little guy. For as far as he's come, he still knows he's second dog, he has to sleep on the floor, eat dog food and listen. We don't tolerate begging, rarely give out scraps, and don't take our dogs for car rides very often. Now that he's realized not only that his life has changed, but that it's not going to change back, he's pissed. So to speak. And who better to take it out on than the humans?

Like a typical mom, I want to give him more loving, more attention and make him feel better. But I also know that he knows the rules, and this was a blatant flouting of those rules. I've never been good at tough love, but I suppose now is the time to practice. The kids will be teenagers soon enough, and while a missed curfew isn't as bad as pooping in my room, it will still constitute a tightening of the rules. And while it will likely get the lesson learned, I guarantee the kids and dogs will agree, it still stinks.

It's All Relative

I have to take issue with the fact that girls always get a bad rep for keeping boys waiting for dates. Granted, when I am getting ready to go out, I often have to get the kids bathed and fed, give instructions to the babysitter and walk the dogs first. Only then can I begin the increasingly arduous and lengthy process of prettying myself up for a date. So when my husband says, "are you almost ready?" and I answer "five more minutes," I really think that's all it will take. That's all it used to take. But since I'm getting old, these things end up taking longer. At least I have a good excuse.

Whether this is genetic, learned or just a circumstance of age, both my boys seem to have the same trait, but without the excuse. If I tell one of them that it's time for dinner and he needs to stop playing the video game he's playing, I'm told,

"OK, I just have to kill this guy and get to the next level."

While that sounds like something that should take all of three minutes, this is in fact the equivalent (in parenting language) of

"OK, I just have to finish middle school, college, medical school and go do my internship where I'll find the cure for cancer."

In other words, I'll be there soon-ish, with 'ish' being the operative quantifier. So don't hold your breath waiting, or you'll pass out.

As much as it's taken me time to figure this out, to realize that they will not be done as quickly as they make it sound, I also can't really get mad. Because the fact is, I get it. I'm a writer. I know what it's like to be 'in the zone,' totally focussed and absorbed, and then looking up five minutes later to find that I'm an hour behind schedule for starting dinner.

Like any problem (if not necessarily any genetic defect), recognizing the problem is the first step in working toward correcting it. But in a way, it's like the blind leading the blind--I know I need to get the kids off the video games and into books for a while each day, but at the same time, they are being very quiet. So quiet, in fact, that I can actually get some writing done, writing that I didn't think I'd get to do over the break because we'd be too busy running around doing stuff.

So now the question becomes, do I address my problem and be the good mommy, steering my kids back to interactive and educational activities for the rest of the afternoon? Or should I be selfish mommy and let them enjoy themselves a few minutes more? Just fifteen minutes, so I can work a little on my book outline.

Oh, and edit my chapters.

Oh, and finish updating my blog.

Wow, how did it get so late?

Steal My Thunder. Please.

As with any new event that changes the dynamic of a family, there are things that can be anticipated before the change, and things that cannot. Because we adopted Flash in the winter, we anticipated lots of 'indoor time' with both dogs as they got to learn how to live with each other, figured out the new pecking order and were taught the rules. There would be logistics to negotiate, such as feeding and sleeping areas, walking schedules and pet toy storage.

But one thing we didn't consider, because it had not been an issue for almost a year, was weather. Or, more specifically, storms. Not blizzards.

Thunderstorms.

Last night, with a house full of us and family visiting from out of state, we got our first, albeit mild, thunderstorm. Our guest room is in the basement, right next to the playroom, which is where we usually send Bailey during severe thunderstorms that rile and torment him. Downstairs, he can bark, pace, howl and moan at what we assume he perceives to be a fleet of big trucks going by on our road. Endlessly. Thankfully, once the truck...er, thunder stops making noise, so does Bailey. But with actual guests in our guest room, this wasn't really an option (although I did consider it very briefly).

What we discovered during this 30-minute, middle-of-the-night storm, though, was that Flash hates thunder. REALLY hates it. Like, he seems to think dozens of scary people are trying to knock down the walls and get into the house to steal the big, white box in the kitchen that holds all that awesome food. And like any good watch dog, if someone is trying to break in, you sound your alarm.

Well.

Flash's alarm, normally a cute little, high pitched bay, is, shall we say, not quite as cute at 1:30 in the morning as it is in the light of day. And for every ten minutes of alarm that plays without a snooze button option, the cute factor drops exponentially. After 20 minutes, I was praying the thunder would stop. After 30, I wanted to take Flash next door to his old, empty house and let him make all the noise he wanted. After 40, though the thunder had stopped, the alarm played on and I had my head buried under my pillow to no avail.

When he finally decided that the house was secure and the bad guys were gone, Flash finally gave up barking. Thankfully, it didn't take long for me to get back to sleep. Had the thunder continued though (or, dare I say it, had there really been bad guys trying to break in), I am certain that this little guy, with all the energy and passion and sense of duty he possesses, would have continued to warn us of the 'danger'. Like a furry postman, rain, lightning, dark of night and even exhaustion would not have caused him to quit. His sense of purpose is strong, and his loyalty high. At least, that's what I tell myself.

But I also know that, come summer, he will likely be getting to know our basement a lot better too.

Culinary Canine

Ben is my best eater, hands down. He will try anything, even if it's green. He loves vegetables, exotic foods and doesn't shy away from funky textures or combinations. Nor is he restricted by rules about what is acceptable food for certain times of day. This is a kid who eats cheeseburgers and raspberries for breakfast.

So it's no surprise that I consider him something of an expert on how to enjoy food, and I am not surprised when he stops everything to follow his dad downstairs when it's time to feed the dogs. This is especially true when they are getting leftovers, or as we like to call it, 'something from the big, white box' because the dogs go nuts when we pull something out of the refrigerator to heat for them. Then, noses in the air, they file behind dad as if he were the pied piper, drinking in the smell of melting beef fat that wafts behind him. It's music to their noses, and Ben trails behind them revelling in their excitement, feeling a kinship to those whose passion for food rivals his own.

But the excitement doesn't end there. Once kibble, fat and gravy have been divided and dispersed, Ben stays to watch the pooches chomp and slurp at their breakfast until the empty bowls clang against the tile floor.

On a typical dog food-only day, Flash will nibble his kibble and leave half behind. Sort of like Ben with chicken nuggets. It's bland, boring and processed, and therefore not worth the effort or calories. But when there are leftovers, Flash goes to town. Though only half of Bailey's size and weight, Flash often empties his dish first, putting on a show of grunts and snorts as he goes, as if he can't eat it fast enough. This has always amused Ben, but today something shifted in his thinking, and he commented on it.

"Mom, Flash always finishes his food first, but he just chomps it down. He doesn't saaavor it. He doesn't breeeathe."

He sounded disheartened, as if Flash had let him down, exposed himself as a gourmand rather than a gourmet. Clearly, if Flash eats so fast that he can't even breathe, he is not tasting the food. He therefore must not be enjoying it, and Ben seemed to pity the dog for what he is unknowingly missing out on.

If that's the case, so be it. I chalk it up to Ben's first in what will surely be many character studies. Surely it won't be the only time he sees someone for what they truly are, when reality will shatter illusion and someone will suddenly become a disappointment to him.

I try not to think about the day when Ben will realize his mom and dad are just people, not superheroes, and that we make mistakes like every other human, even when raising our kids.

If I'm lucky, his experience with the dogs will help him retain his faith in us--even after this jarring realization--and his love will continue unwavering.

But I'll be happy if he just deigns to share a good meal with us every once in a while.

Good Humor Men

It's hard to be little. You have to look up at everyone, you can't see the tops of counters, and you have to do what you're told. Things are confusing sometimes, and you want to be independent but you have no choice but to rely on others because you can't get a job. Sometimes you get yelled at, and you don't know what you did or why it was bad.

Just ask my beagle.

Perhaps this is why Ben has been so sympathetic with Flash lately: because he can relate. Before our dog days, Ben was the puppy in the pack. Everyone was bigger, smarter, older and better at stuff than he was (notice I didn't say 'louder'). Of course, being the smallest and youngest has its challenges, not the least of which is carving out your own niche, finding your place in the pack.

Not only were you not the first one here, but now you're competing for attention while trying to make up for lost time. Plus, everyone seems to know the rules, and their place, but you. So you go through your options:

Boy? Taken.
First born? Taken.
Smart? Taken.
Eager? Taken.
Obedient? Taken.
Creative? OPEN
Funny? OPEN

And there you go. Through the process of elimination, Flash and Ben have both been able to find their places in the pack. They are feisty, emotional, controversial, demanding and ultimately will do what they want regardless of what they're told.

But they are also the cuddliest, goofiest and funniest of the bunch. They love fearlessly and without reserve, and are creative in getting what they want. Ben will debate and finagle, tell you jokes and make ridiculous suggestions to get what he is after. Flash will roll around on the carpet like a wind-up toy, dig through the recycling bag to pull out and play with an empty peanut butter jar and use the couch to get up to the bay windowsill to bark at passersby. You're so busy laughing at their creativity that you forget to be angry at them. Henry Ward Beecher once said, "Men will let you abuse them if only you will make them laugh."

To Flash and Ben, rules are meant to be bent, looked upon as 'suggestions' rather than restrictions. In this family, at least, being the littlest means grabbing hold of what power you can and using it to your best advantage.

And if everyone is laughing at you, you've definitely got power. And a better chance of getting what you're really after.

If You Give A Kid A Pancake

One of the most dangerous aspects of the adolescent brain is its inability to consider potential consequences before acting or making decisions. It's dangerous because adolescents are often presented with situations in which lack of forethought can have life-long effects. Sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, driving too fast, missing the deadline for scholarship applications, etc. have caused many a sleepless night for loving parents.

This is why many school programs focus on pre-teens' and teens' planning abilities. But I discovered today that this problem of lack of forethought isn't restricted to teens. My eight-year-old suffers from it as well. And while he's not in potentially life-threatening situations on a regular basis, today was an exception.

When Ben gets hungry, if he doesn't eat something and instead lets the hunger get out of control, he becomes (as my family used to call it) EVIL. That means, in essence, that he is cranky, angry, loud and obnoxious toward everyone. He cannot be reasoned with, talked down or placated, making him pretty much miserable for anyone to be around. This happens primarily on the weekends, when he gets too absorbed in a video game or cartoon and doesn't heed his grumbling stomach until it's too late.

This morning, I figured we'd be able to avoid the problem by attending the Lion's Club pancake breakfast at the high school. We'd eat all the pancakes, sausage and bagels we wanted, pick up Ben's baseball uniform and be a happy bunch of campers. Plus, I wouldn't have to cook or clean up. It was a win-win plan. Unfortunately, I failed to execute it before Ben had crossed over into "the evil zone."

By the time I had gotten him dressed and dragged him to the high school, he was yelling, lashing out and dangerously close to being left in the parking lot. (I'd have strangled him, but there were too many other families around as witnesses). Instead, I stayed calm, we made our way to the mercifully fast-moving line, and got our trays of yummies. Ben was off like a shot to find a seat, and was already unwrapping his plasticware by the time I found him and got my coat off. I offered him some antibacterial cleaner for his hands before he dug in, and he put out his palm to accept it. But he pulled away too fast, and a blob of it went into his orange juice. Acting quickly to avert a crisis, I handed him my orange juice and took the ruined cup away. Whew.

Then he reached for the red bottle on the table labeled "Syrup" and gave a squirt over his plate. At that moment, someone's belated April Fool's joke culminated in a big pile of ketchup landing on Ben's pancake. And just like that, the tears began to flow.

I know it was partly my fault for not getting up earlier and making sure he at least ate a banana to hold him, or reminded him what happens when he gets too hungry. But I had also hoped that, now that he's eight, he'd be getting the hang of that thought process on his own.

Sadly, that is not the case. And considering this type of problem continues into children's early- to mid-twenties--until their brains are fully developed--all my nagging probably isn't going to be able to change it. The best I can do is leave cereal bowls and boxes on the table at night, and a note on his door for the morning that suggests he start with breakfast before anything else.

Because after I pulled away the ketchup-laden pancake and gave Ben one of my own, he chowed down two of them along with sausage and orange juice without even pausing to wipe his tears. And just like that, he was transformed back into the boy I love. Such a simple solution, such a miserable reminder.

What I learned today is, If You Give A Kid A Pancake, And You Do It Soon Enough, You'll Save Yourself And Your Family A Lot of Unnecessary Aggravation.*

Oh, and always, always, use the pre-packaged syrup containers.

*With apologies to Laura Joffe Numeroff.

Sex Ed

Anyone I ever spoke to who grew up on a farm was very matter-of-fact about sex. I attributed this to the fact that they grew up surrounded by animals annually courting, mating and giving birth and--let's face it--the farm is no place for modesty.

Contrarily, I grew up in a strict, Christian household that believed in Heaven, Hell, God and the stork. Needless to say, in my house, sex was the "s" word, and was therefore never discussed. As far as I knew, babies came from married people through osmosis and fervent prayer.

Now our home is not quite so conservative, but neither is it a farm. Yet along with our new pooch, I think my kids are getting a bit of an education about sex lately too.

The sexual tension in the house is high since we got a second dog. True, both dogs are male, but this actually seems to be adding to the problem. Luckily for us, Bailey is bigger than Flash, because the reality of, er, size has naturally settled the issue of who is the top dog. While Flash would love to step in and take over, run our house the way he ran his old house, Bailey is having no part of it. Apparently, male dogs try to dominate other dogs by mounting them. When Flash first moved in, he tried to mount Bailey. This happened exactly once. At least Flash is a fast learner.

Before Flash came along, Bailey had also worked out his own little system for what to do when he feels like sowing some oats, so to speak. He grabs his bed by the scruff of it's neck and dominates *it*. Flash, though, having learned Bailey is not a willing partner, just walks around the living room humping the air.

Ben has watched this quietly before. The other day, though, he called to me when he caught Flash doing it again.

"Mom, come look! Flash is doing his Victory Dance!" I didn't correct him.

Then this morning on the way to the school bus, Ben asked his dad, "Dad, what's that pink thing sticking out under Flash?"

"That's his penis, Ben," was all Dad said. Silence ensued as Ben studied the dog from a distance until the bus arrived.

I laugh at how the kids glimpse different actions by watching the dogs, get questions answered by us and then try to put it all together with what they know about their own bodies. But I also know that it will make understanding more complex concepts a lot easier down the road. The biology of it all is being given to them piece by piece as they grow, thanks in part to the dogs. The emotional and social aspects of love and responsibility will come later. It's just nice to know that "the talk" in our house is already going on, one long conversation that will evolve and grow as the boys do.

Of course, we are all learning since our pack has grown, and not just about sex. Bailey has learned how to beg and hover by watching Flash. Flash has learned to ignore me when he's called by watching Ben, and how to play with his squeaky toys by watching Bailey. Both dogs have learned how to touch each other's stuff by watching the boys, and David and I have learned how to break up fights and discipline the dogs by watching the children.

Lumped into all this behavior are the natural instincts of males, acted out by the dogs and learned by the boys. It's silly, funny and strange, but opens up the lines of communication between us all so that even I have to admit to this unforeseen benefit of pet ownership. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Parallel Universe

OK, maybe you can't see it in these pictures, but there is a calm, consistent evenness in the two with light eyes, and a devilish, resistant streak in the two little dark-eyed cuties. I have come to refer to the boys and the dogs as siblings, but only lately have I really seen the parallel of their relationships with each other.

When the boys come home, the first thing I do is get them a snack and sit them down to do homework. The first thing Ben does is complain. He avoids, distracts, wanders off and generally resists what he is supposed to be doing. If I tell him to clean his room, he heads down the hall, only to be discovered a half hour later playing with some toy I haven't seen in months. He remains surrounded by clean and dirty clothes, LEGOs and books on the floor and beams up at me from his unmade bed. It's as if my every request is a chance for him to do the opposite of what I want.

At first, I thought I was just being too sensitive, taking his actions too personally. But the next time I walked the dogs, I found Bailey responding to my every request, and Flash "digging in" and pulling in the direction opposite of the one we were trying to go. The more I pulled, the more he resisted. But when I let the leash go slack, and stood to watch him, he stared back at me with those dark-chocolate eyes, and then proceeded to join Bailey and me in our original direction, bouncing along happily as if he'd made his point and would now let it drop.

Call me crazy, but I really think this is universal behavior for second children. Or in the case of the dogs, the pooch who has been relegated (demoted?) to second-dog status. Someone was here before you, someone smart, sweet, cooperative, potty trained and easy to be around. He's a tough act to follow, so you'd better carve out your own little niche, showing everyone in every way that you are nothing like that guy who was here first.

Flash is a jumper, a barker, a hoverer. He does not like to be told what to do, and will give 110% to accomplish whatever you told him not to do. He follows Bailey around when he wants to wrestle or play with him, nudging and throwing himself under Bailey's nose to get noticed. If Bailey isn't in the mood and tries to wander away, Flash follows hot on his tail, barking relentlessly, as if to say, "Play with me! Play with me! Play with me!" You would think that Bailey would finally give in, just to get the little bugger off his back. I mean, it's not like he can go into his own room and close the door.

Finally, though we have taken pains to make sure both dogs receive all things equally--food, treats, beds, toys, walks and lovin'--Flash still wants what's not his. He curls up in Bailey's bed. He chews on Bailey's rawhide. He drinks from Bailey's water dish. And the look on poor Bailey's face seems to say, "My life was perfect! Why did you have to give me a little brother!?"

Alas, such things are always a good idea on paper, especially since we never consult with those who will feel the change most keenly. But I also know that, if either of my second "children" were suddenly the only one in the house (if Jacob were to go off to college, say, or Bailey got drafted), the younger one would be lost. They both define themselves by who they are in relation to their older "brothers." And as much as they all seem to annoy each other, the truth is they all love each other very much.

Though they'd never admit it, in this or any other universe.

Tell Me What You REALLY Think

If there's one thing you have to appreciate about Ben, it's his honesty. I should be more specific: his honesty when giving his opinion. If you ask him how the almost new body wash bottle got down to empty in the space of four days, he'll swear he has no idea. The toothpaste all over the faucet? Shoulder shrug. His brother's hairbrush in the garbage? Must have been the dog. But ask his opinion, and he doesn't hold back.

Sure, sometimes his opinions come unsolicited. And while his honesty can feel pretty brutal (Mom, you have a double chin; Dad, there's a booger in your nose), it's almost always funny when directed at someone else. In tonight's case, the unwitting recipient was the restaurant/dining hall where we ate dinner while visiting my mother-in-law's residence.

"Mom, what's that card?" Ben asked, pointing to the comment card on the table.

"Oh, it looks like a survey card, so you can tell the restaurant how they did. Let's see. Question 1) I received the correct food order. Question 2) My food was delivered timely. Do you know what 'timely' means?"

"Nope."

"That means it came in a reasonable amount of time after you ordered it. Question 3) My food temperature was acceptable...."

I read the rest of the questions with him, and showed him how it worked.

"See, after the meal, you read each question, and then select from Excellent, Very Good, Good, Fair or Poor and check the box next to the answer that fits your opinion."

"Oh, cool," Ben said, and placed the card and tiny pencil next to his plate before starting a game of "In My Backpack."

After about two go-rounds of the game, our food had yet to arrive, but I figured that since we were playing, the boys were distracted from this fact. I was wrong. When it was Ben's turn again, he leaned over to me and said in a stage whisper, "Well, timely is now at 'Good'".

Whether the staff heard him or not, I can't say. But about a minute after reciting, "In my backpack, I put: nine chocolate chip cookies, eight bowls of chicken noodle soup, seven lawn clippings, six basketballs, five salads, four biscuits, three buckets of blue cheese dressing, two Golden Retrievers and one glass of wine," the food showed up. Ben immediately picked up his pencil and checked 'Good' next to question two.

When the meal was through, he filled out the rest of the card, and in the space for his apartment number, he wrote, in very neat script, "non-resadint." I didn't correct him, in the hopes that the staff would get a chuckle over his feedback, and recognize that it was written by a child. And that maybe they won't hold his brutal honesty against us next time we visit.

Train the Trainer

Aside from becoming a parent, there's nothing like getting a new pet to teach you what you don't know. Or, in my case, a second pet. Because despite my advanced degrees and experience with children, I am apparently extraordinarily slow on the uptake of such things.

If I sound surprised, it's because I am. If it sounds like I have reason to be surprised, then I'm not being clear. Let me clarify.

When Jacob was born some 11+ years ago, life was bliss. A new parent, I was completely in love with my baby. He was perfect. Beautiful. Soft. Scented, with that new baby smell. He slept all the time. He napped like clockwork. He never cried. Really, the only reason he needed us is because I provided nutrition, and he couldn't buy or change his own diapers.

"Wow," I told David. "This is amazing! We should have, like, five more!"

So when Jacob was almost three, we had Ben.

Those who know me know I only have two children. That's because, when we put in our order for a second baby, we neglected to indicate in the fine print that he should be EXACTLY like Jacob in temperament, sleep habits and ease of use. As we all know, the devil is in the details, and so our second baby was delivered on schedule, with a penis and good looks. And that's pretty much where the similarities ended.

Eight years later, they are still different as night and day. All the things Ben has needed in the way of parenting are all the things we never learned by parenting his older brother. And so we continue to learn as we go, occasionally wondering wistfully what the hell we were thinking when we assumed we'd get a second baby exactly like the first.

Like Jacob, Bailey came preprogrammed to self-govern. He is trained to go to the bathroom in the woods, not on people's property. He does tricks. He eats his kibble, but is always up for some celery ends or bread crusts as a treat. He can fetch, loves to play, is silly and goofy and challenges us to new games all the time.

"Wow," I said to David. "Poor Flash needs a home. Why don't we take him? He's the same age as Bailey, and they know each other so well, it'll be great!"

Since then, I have been learning how to comfort, console, encourage, discourage and train a dog. Yes, I had been a dog owner for the previous four years or so. But Bailey was so easy. Just like Jacob. You think I'd have remembered this and put two and two together, but you'd be wrong.

And so, as with Ben, I'm learning how to be a good parent as I go. What does Flash need, what does he want, how can I help make my life and his easier and better? I'm 44 years old and I'm still growing. I love it.

Sure, I could gripe about the noise (wow, two barking dogs are really loud), the mess (I think my sons are training the dogs how to leave things lying around the house) and the moodiness (Flash is confused by the training; Bailey is so insecure, he's wrapping himself around my shoelaces; the kids are vying even more for my attention than before). It's like living in a frat house: me and five guys. Two are short and needy, and two are hairy and smelly. Thank goodness one of them can hold down a job or we'd have to pay the mortgage by hosting pay-at-the-door kegger parties.

Despite all that, oh my gosh how I laugh my way through every day. And of course, being the only girl makes me the queen of the household. So come for a visit any time. Everyone is friendly and there's always lots going on. Just don't mention the tarnish on my crown. I haven't had time to polish it recently, but it's on my list of things to do. Right after I graduate from my latest parent training course.

Learning the Ropes

We've had Flash, our new addition to the family, living with us for about two weeks now. I have to admit I was worried about him in the beginning, what with all that old dog, new tricks business. Flash is almost 11 years old, and has always been #1 in his home--one with no children or other pets, and parents who adored him--so we knew it would be an adjustment moving in with us. After all, we have kids, noise, carpets, Bailey and rules.

Strangely enough, things seem to be going pretty well, considering all that. In fact, the toughest thing that Flash is being forced to learn is that he is, in fact, a dog.

You laugh, but I truly think that this little guy, indulged practically from birth, really thinks he is just a short person. He even acts sometimes like he's better than the rest of us, what with better hearing, sense of smell and not having to hold a job. If a dog can feel entitled, Flash is truly a fat cat among canines.

I can't really blame him, though, since he was always taught to play the part of prince. His mom would take him for a walk, and if he moved too slowly and she had to be somewhere, she would pick him up and carry him all the way home. When dad would grill a steak, plate it and put it on the table on the deck, and then go inside for salt and pepper, he would return to find the plate empty and a very satisfied Flash in his chair looking at him as if asking, "how about a beer, pal?" And because this type of behavior was not nipped in the bud (read: discouraged by any kind of punishment), it stands to reason that Flash spent his first few days in our house looking very confused.

He eschewed his own dog food for Bailey's, and we assumed it was because he liked the flavor of Bailey's better. After a while, though, he wouldn't eat any kind of dog food. Maybe he's depressed, we thought, or just protesting his new situation. Surely he'll get hungry enough to eat the dog food eventually, we reasoned, and so we just kept an eye on him around the dinner table. Then one day, I heard a strange noise and looked over at him. There he was on the floor, chewing on a sock (one of Ben's that he had left lying in the living room). Another day, it was a napkin being shredded, and rather quickly, I might add. Yesterday, I thought he was finally gnawing on one of his toys that I'd brought over from his house--one of a basketfull, in fact--only to discover he was chewing on a pencil. And he wasn't even in the midst of writing an essay.

Yes, it's been a big adjustment, and he's not there yet. He still tries to come into the bedroom at night to sleep with us, still climbs up on the couch occasionally and even jumps up to the sill of the big bay window to bark at passers by. But even with all that, he seems to love the routine, the constant presence of people, or at least Bailey, and all the noisy silliness our pack is capable of at any given moment. There has been no discovery of smelly 'gifts' in the house, no aggression and no shredded property (the napkin notwithstanding).

The poor little guy has been through a lot. But I really think his learning that he is not a person has actually been easier than it would have been to learn he has gone from alpha dog status to the bottom of the pack's chain. David's the boss, Bailey is first dog, and despite all the chaos, we have plenty of love for Flash too, which we willingly shower upon him. As long as we don't make him go out and get a job, I think he's going to be just fine.

Pack Rats

While I don't think we would qualify for a pet version of "Hoarders" just yet, our pack has recently grown. After the far-too-early passing of our friend and neighbor, Augie, his 10 year old beagle, Flash, has come to live with us.

One might think, "OK, you already have one dog that you walk, feed, play with and love. What's one more?" To be fair, that is somewhat true. Flash and our Bailey have been taking walks together every day for almost three years, and played together before that. They know each other well, and are close buddies.

But just as with adding a new child to the family, a new life in the house means a shift in roles and dynamic. Our routine is the same; we just incorporated Flash into it. The thing is, at Flash's old house, he didn't really have any rules. In fact, the first time I said the word "No" to him, he looked at me like I had three cat heads.

He is becoming more comfortable here with each passing day. Yet the more relaxed he becomes, the more the rules are tested.

"Flash, get off the couch."

"Flash, get away from the table."

"Flash, come away from the bedrooms."

"No, Flash, that's Bailey's bed. Yours is over here."

And, of course, there is Bailey's insecurity. "Am I being replaced? Do you like him more than you do me? LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME!!!!!!" He has become Velcro dog of late, and I can't say I blame him. After his original owner passed away, Bailey lived with another family before ours, and has been top dog here for some four years now. Suddenly, he's got a little brother touching his stuff and doing things he's never been allowed to do.

Plus, Flash keeps not going home. I mean, one sleepover is fun, and a couple of playdates here are nice. But enough is enough. In doggie speak, Bailey's looking at us going, "what the woof?"

Two nights ago, Ben woke up around 3:30 a.m. and knocked on my door. I got up, put him back to bed and stayed with him a bit, but he was still awake when I left his room. Walking out, I almost stepped on Flash, who I subsequently walked back to the living room, to his own bed. Then I went back to bed. Not long after, Ben knocked again. Once more, I put him back to bed, and then--you guessed it--put Flash back to bed too.

Just last night, David and I were getting ready for bed, and David realized he'd forgotten to do something in the kitchen. When he went back out, not five minutes after he'd turned off the kitchen light, he found Flash in Bailey's bed, and Bailey trying to get downstairs to eat the kibble Flash had left in his bowl.

"They're acting like a couple of kids," he mumbled as he came back into the bedroom.

And it's true. This is our new normal: sibling boys, sibling dogs, lots of noise and lots of laughs. Sure, I have days when I hunger for peace and quiet, no squabbles to break up, and no doggie spats to sort out. But in the end, I know that those days will come soon enough, most likely when I have become quite comfortable and happy with our boisterous pack. Until then, my goal is to feed and enjoy ALL the animals, so that when they do leave us, it will be with memories of joy and having been greatly loved.

Raising Wimps

Lately, I've had to hide the newspaper from my sons. This is not because of the gore of the stories, but for fear that they will gain ammunition for battles with me.

Me: "Jacob, you need to get out there and help your dad shovel the driveway."

Jacob: "But Mom, this article says that kids under 19 experience more than 1,750 shoveling-related injuries each year! Do you want to put me in the hospital?"

Me: "I think those injuries are caused by parents whacking their kids with shovels to get them outside shoveling."

Seriously, who comes up with these statistics and decides to print them in the newspaper where any kid can pick it up and read them?

Me: "Ben, time to take a bath."

Ben: "I don't want to."

Me: "Ben, you have to take regular baths. Just like brushing your teeth, it's part of staying healthy."

Ben: "But Mom, it said in the paper that 'Poison Control centers say the bath salts with complex chemical names are an emerging menace in several U.S. states, and authorities are talking of banning their sale.' Doesn't sound healthy to me."

Me: "I'm sorry, what?" taking newspaper from his hand and pointing him to the bathroom.

Indeed, there it is, a short paragraph under the 'Five Things You Should Know' section of my local paper:

"When Neil Brown of Fulton, Miss. got high on bath salts, he slit his face and stomach repeatedly. Brown survived, but authorities say others haven't been so lucky after snorting, injecting or smoking powders with such innocuous-sounding names as Ivory Snow, Red Dove and Vanilla Sky..."

Ah, I see, yes. So let's ban bath salts because then, surely, no one will go find something else to snort, inject or smoke. Like, say, dishwashing powder. Or brownie mix. Or maybe glitter.

I'm all for keeping people safe, and keeping drugs off the streets, but if there's one thing I've learned in all my, er, years on Earth, it's that you can't protect stupid people from themselves. Rather than get frustrated, though, I try to remember to look at such stories as a good lesson for me. It's a reminder to keep the lines of communication with my kids open, and to talk to them about risks worth taking (shovelling) and not taking (snorting coffee grounds).

Wouldn't it be better to just educate our children on the dangers of temptation, the safe way to exercise and the healthy way to shop and eat, instead of making them afraid to live their lives? Then we wouldn't have to ban innocuous-sounding products that are being misused, scare our children away from exercise because they might get hurt, or put high taxes on fast foods and warnings on soda bottles to discourage people from having them for three meals a day. Seriously, it's not that hard. In fact, it's kind of our job.

Me: "It's OK, Ben. I used Mr. Bubble bubble bath, no bath salts."

Ben: "Oh, man!" Stomps toward the bathroom, opens the door. "Whoa! Mom, look at all these bubbles!!"

Me: (Tossing the newspaper section under the rest of the recycling and following him into the bathroom) "Yeah, I thought you might like that. So let's talk about that bath salts article...."

Mommy's Little Secret

I have a secret, and if my children ever figure it out, I'll be totally screwed. Here it is: I am generous to a fault with those who are appreciative of my efforts. There. I said it.

If they are fighting, screaming, name-calling and avoiding their homework, they will lose dessert, electronics and any loving tone in my voice. But if they behave well, do as I ask without my having to nag or yell, if they hug me and say "thank you Mom," or "I love you, Mom" or--dare I dream it?--"You are the best Mom in the whole world!" I am then inclined to give them a pony, Ferrari, trip to Disney or anything else they might ask for.

It's not just my children who make me behave this way. This is why I am a perpetual student, excelling for the appreciative teacher, and a chronic volunteer, ready to give 40 hours a week (even at the expense of my children and husband) to those who are truly grateful for my efforts.

But today I may have crossed the line. My husband and oldest son are away camping for the weekend with the Boy Scouts, and Ben and I have a chance for some quality time alone together. Did he want to watch a movie last night under the electric blanket? No. Help me with my jigsaw puzzle? No. Did he love building a marble tower with me for an hour, so much so that he took a shower and went to bed when asked, with a huge smile on his face and a lingering hug for me? Please.

The old me, the tough-love Mommy, would have said, "to heck with you. Go entertain yourself tomorrow; I'm going to read the paper unless you can change your attitude." So what did Mushy-Mom do this morning? After listening to his whiny greeting of, "Mom, WHERE'S THE DS???" followed by "I don't WANT to get dressed! I don't WANT to go out to breakfast! JUST TELL ME WHERE THE DS IS!" I got dressed, walked the dogs and then told Ben he could play with the DS only if he got dressed and came out to breakfast with me.

I know. But wait. There's more.

After a yummy meal of pancakes and bacon (which definitely helped minimize the whinies), we headed to Toys 'R' Us to use up a small gift certificate balance left over from his birthday. And maybe I matched the balance so he could buy a new Bey Blade. And maybe I also sprung for a $30 LEGO set because he reeeeeeally wanted it and it was sooooo cool.

Yes, OK. I admit it. I spent the morning buying my way into the heart and stomach of my child, turning somersaults to get him to appreciate me. I know I have a problem. But when you really aren't liking someone at the moment, you have to do something, right? In the case of an adult behaving badly, I would tell them what I think of their behavior and walk away. But with Ben, ultimatums like that cause him to dig in his heels. If he is starting to consider that maybe I'm right, that maybe he just needs to eat something and he will feel more amiable, telling him to adjust his attitude and then walking away just turns him around so he can argue his point with me. And often, it seems he is willing to argue to the death.

But you know what? For the past hour, after thanking me "times a million", he has been playing with that LEGO set like it's the only toy he'll ever want in his life. He just came upstairs for a snack, and is smiling. And right now, I'm liking him a lot better than when I woke up, and he is appreciating me a lot more than before breakfast.

Since Ben was born, he has challenged every fiber of my being. My emotions, nerves, patience, peace and reasoning have all but gone out the window pretty regularly for the last eight years. Of course I love him. But raising Jacob taught me nothing about how to raise his brother. So if occasionally bribing Ben helps me gain some appreciation and peace, I'm afraid to say I'm not above it. I'm hoping eventually we'll both outgrow it. Preferably before he or Jacob figures out my secret.

This Is The Way To Be A Child, Be A Child, Be A Child...

It seems I am now, officially, old. Remember how we used to laugh at our parents, their stories of "when I was a kid..." about walking five miles uphill in the snow, both ways, to school; how kids worked hard and built character and weren't a bunch of lazy layabouts like we were, with our fancy televisions and video arcades? I guess I never *seriously* thought I would feel the way they did back then. But when you become a parent, all of those things you never thought would happen to you *do* happen to you, eventually. Whether you like it or not.

Now I'm not saying that I am better or worse off because I was bullied to the point of fighting back in middle school. Or that I've forgotten all those bruises my legs suffered from playing bombardment (a.k.a. dodge ball) at recess in elementary school. All I know is that I learned a lot about people through these experiences, and a lot about myself. And oddly enough, there was never an adult around when it happened. Imagine that!

So here's my latest old-lady gripe of what's on the playground today: PPC. No, not PCP, the drug that used to be called Angel Dust. PPC, which stands for 'Peaceful Playground Coaches.'

I kid you not.

It is mind-boggling the number--and authentic feel--of violent movies, television shows and video games that our children are bombarded with by today's entertainment industry (and I use the term 'entertainment' very loosely). But rather than put our collective foot down as parents and declare "ENOUGH!" to the industry, we let them continue to make billions of dollars churning these things out, and instead try to reverse the effects of their messages by teaching school kids how to use 'Rock Paper Scissors' to resolve conflicts.

http://www.portlandtribune.com/news/story_2nd.php?story_id=125252837589966900

http://www.parkschoolmv.org/?page_id=37

Apparently, this all started out in California, when a woman decided that today's children spend so much time alone (on a computer, or because they have no siblings), that they don't know how to play team games. When I was young, we'd go to the park to see who was around. If there were a few kids, we'd play basketball. If there were more, we'd start up a baseball game. We'd choose teams, create lineups, and play until we got hungry. But since so many kids today spend time indoors, there's this idea that many don't know how to play the games we used to play. Thus, the need for a playground coach: teach them the games, show them how to pick teams, let them know the rules, teach them how to resolve disputes and off they go.

Personally, I think we already do too much for our children, scheduling them for organized sports, after school clubs, music lessons, art classes and a hundred other activities that involve someone teaching them how to do things. My eight-year-old dropped out of cub scouts because it was too much work and he didn't like the meetings. He loves to listen and sing along to rock and roll music, but has shown no inclination to learn an instrument. He plays with trains, bugs, paints and LEGOs, fights with his brother, and makes some of the most interesting observations I have ever heard from a third grader. I'm convinced it's because he has time to think, on his own, about the world.

Just because our kids don't do things the way we did doesn't mean they won't figure out how to do them on their own. Sure, tell them the horror stories of 'back in the day', that time before cell phones, Wii and computer games. The years of only seven channels on television, rotary phones and no Internet. But then give them some credit, some freedom and a chance to live out their own childhoods without coaches for every little thing.

How else will they have stories to tell your grandchildren about how hard things used to be?

Love You To Death

I know I've written this before, but one of my favorite sayings (reminders? mantras? prayers?) is that when it comes to parenthood, the days are long, but the years are short. Excepting those in prison (for whom the days AND years are likely long), I have yet to meet a parent who does not agree with this.

There should, however, be a post-script. It should go something like, "the days are long and the years are short, but the school vacations make the years SEEM a lot longer." I suppose if I had lots of money and could afford to travel the world with my kids during each of the three approximately 10-day vacations they have during the year, I wouldn't mind it so much. But I don't, so I can't. As if to show me how much they hate this fact, my children spend every moment of every day of every one of those vacations fighting.

I learned the hard way that sibling rivalry is one of those things, like labor, that we suffer through and then conveniently forget about when we want more children. Sure, my brother and I spent much of our childhood at odds, but looking back, it seems trivial: he taunted and hounded me for attention, I regularly excluded him and escaped into books. Sounds perfectly normal. But I'm also known for my selective, rose-colored memory and my ability to block out unpleasant experiences.

I also never consulted with my mother before having a second child.

So now, rather than having two boys (yay! similar toys, clothes and interests!) who make great playmates for each other, I have two diametrically opposed personalities that only seem to enjoy each other's company when they have had no one else to play with for a couple of hours. Jacob loves books; Ben hates reading. Jacob likes sci-fi; Ben likes humor. Jacob likes LEGOs; Ben likes trains. Jacob likes quiet, thinking activities; Ben is always on the move. Sometimes I feel like I failed to read the fine print before deciding to grow our little family, and other times I know it's the universe laughing at me because my first-born was so easy that I thought it would be fun to have more just like him.

But my kids do love each other. I see it at the dinner table when they take turns trying to make the other crack up and blow milk out of his nose. And when they make funnier and funnier faces to see who will laugh hard enough to get the hiccups first. And when they work together on an art project, complimenting each other along the way. Those are the moments that make me proud and happy, the ones that feel so fleeting.

With another vacation coming up soon, I know I need to take action and line up some activities that will help them to work, play and laugh together. Lots of activities. Because if I don't, it's quite possible that before school resumes, they will love each other (or I will end up loving them) to death.

Getting Testy

I must say first off that I never liked taking tests in school. No matter how prepared I was, or thought I was, there was still anxiety over exposing my ignorance and subsequently being judged on it (also known as grading). So I totally sympathize with my boys when they are stressing over a test. Not only that, I know it even when they don't tell me they're having a test that day.

This is not because I'm a highly sensitive, super-tuned in Mom, sensing anxiety in my children and knowing instinctively what's causing it (though wouldn't that be nice?)

No, they make it easy on me. When Ben has a test, I know because he arrives at the breakfast table dressed in black from head to toe, as if heading to a funeral. His own? Not likely, in third grade, though I'm sure test days feel that way to him. As one who wears his heart on his sleeve, he doesn't shy away from wearing his hatred of all things academic there too. I try to think of it like PMS: an early warning system that tells me right away to tread carefully.

Jacob, on the other hand, has seemingly inherited some ostrich blood from somewhere in his ancestral history. It's easy to know when he's got a test because he burrows under the covers, moaning and whining and refusing to get out of bed, as if ignoring the day will make it go away. I'm sure my whole family wishes this would work when I'm suffering from PMS, and I certainly remember the days of client presentations when I knew I'd be getting up to speak in front of a crowd. It was test day at school all over again. At least I had the incentive of a paycheck to keep me from hiding under the covers.

When the boys were younger and would get upset about something, the power of distraction was my greatest tool for calming them down. Maybe my memory of that is why now, when they get testy with me because of some school issue even before breakfast, I fall back on it.

"Oh, did we get up on the wrong side of the bed today?"

"Can it, Mom."

"My my, such a bad temper so early in the morning. That can't be good. Do you have a challenging day ahead?"

"Grunt."

"So, do you want waffles or banana bread for breakfast?"

"WAFFLES!!"

Granted, it doesn't always work, and at those times I just point out that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, blah, blah, blah, let's warm your belly, etc. etc.

I can't study for them, I can't make the tests go away, and I can't tell them to go get a job instead, if they really hate school that much. But what I can do is offer, as only a mom can, a little support and comfort before they head out into the cold, cruel world. Preferably topped with syrup.

Carte Blanche

Our school system has a new program in place, where parents can load money into their kids' lunch accounts, and then the kids merely need to plug in their PIN at the cafeteria cash register, and they can buy lunch, milk, a snack, whatever. Fab! I thought. No more sending in nickels, dimes and quarters for lunches! No more worrying about exact change! I set the boys up with $15 each and gave them their PINs with instructions. This would be good for six school lunches each. So at one lunch every two weeks or so, we were set for the first three months of school.

Ben is excellent at math, but apparently this was not how *he* approached the money in his lunch account. No, Ben--the kid who is always saying he wants to be a millionaire when he grows up; the kid who won't spend a dime of his tooth fairy, birthday or found money; the kid who checks every vending machine, pay phone and train seat for loose change--clearly didn't understand what this account was all about.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

Because in a matter of two weeks, despite the fact that he was bringing lunch every day, as well as milk money, Ben burned through that lunch account like a Wall Street hedge fund manager.

My husband and I talked about it. Maybe someone got a hold of his code when he wasn't looking. Maybe he is using it to buy his way into the hearts of other kids with cookies and chips. Maybe he's just really, really hungry and is embarrassed to tell us that he's actually using the money, which is why he keeps denying it.

Finally, after talking about it with Ben, and after the account continued to decline into the negative balance and I got an email from the cafeteria manager, I did something. I told Ben I was closing the account, and that if he wanted to buy lunch, we would talk about it and I would give him cash. I told the cafeteria manager that Ben has insisted he is not using the account, yet it has gone down by at least .50 every day for a week. An investigation is underway.

What I learned was, just becuase one kid has his own money burning a hole in his pocket, it doesn't mean he won't follow directions when it comes to someone else's money (Jacob's account is still full). And just because another kid hoards money like oxygen, it doesn't mean he values all forms of money and will treat them equally carefully.

I also learned Ben likes the Harvest Pizza on Fridays at school. So I guess I'm back to nickels, dimes and quarters again. But at least I know they will last until the end of the year.

The Education of Mom

I know that knowledge is power, and I always try to be honest and forthright with my kids. As they get older, there is less I need to 'hide' from them about life, and they can process a lot more, provided I present it in an age-appropriate context. Why, then, am I having such a hard time with receiving the same treatment from Jacob's middle school?

Last week was the first full week of school. I worried about Jacob getting lost and being late for class; I worried about the strain on his back from all the books he carts back and forth from school; I worried about the bus ride with all the 13-year-olds and what he'd be hearing and experiencing, whether he'd be able to deal with it all. Thankfully, he calmed me with his own comfort level, sense of confidence and easy smiles. The first week ended well for both of us.

This week, the emails started from school. One day, I learned that a 7th grader had brought a pocket knife on the bus to show his friends, and had it in his locker at school. A conscientious student reported the incident, and the knife was confiscated, the student reprimanded. I'm sure the administration presented the context and sequence of events in such a way as to prevent parents from panicking, to convey the fact that everything was under control and that at no time were any students in danger.

The next day, we were informed that one of the staff members was recently diagnosed wtih Viral Meningitis. We were told not to confuse this with the more serious Bacterial Meningitis, which can result in brain damage, hearing loss, learning disabilities and, you know, death. Viral Meningitis, on the other hand, is "serious but rarely fatal in people with normal immune systems," according to the CDC.

Rarely.

OK, fine.

Yes, I know that pre-teens use bad judgment, and make bad choices, as they gear up to be really effective teenagers. And it's true that I would not have gone to the CDC website to learn all about meningitis had I not been given the link by the school.

But did I really want to know about these incidents, which ultimately presented no danger or harm to my own child? I'd have to say no.

Did I need to know? Probably.

I guess the good of it all is that I now have confidence in Jacob's new school administration to swiftly address issues that arise, and keep me informed about the details, as well as what I need or don't need to do about them.

But I also realized that I am going to have to ease into this new school environment almost as much as Jacob. We are both on the edge of tremendous changes that will, without a doubt, rock both of our worlds over the next three years. And it's going to take some getting used to.

So I'm thinking about not checking my email for a few days, just so I can go back to worrying about simple things, like whether his sneakers are getting too small, or if he remembered to put deodorant on after gym class. I want to revel in blissful ignorance of the world my baby is really going into each morning when he leaves me.

If only for a little while longer.

Tooth And Nail

It happens every year. Yet, as with childbirth, I forget what it was like last time. This enables me to look blissfully forward to the beginning of every new school year. Cool weather, new crayons, quiet mornings. What's not to love?

Ask Ben.

Actually, don't ask him, because it won't get you anywhere. Like a good writer, he will show rather than tell you that he is not happy about the start of school.

I suppose some little part of my brain retained a memory shard of what starting school is like for Benjamin, because this year, when he was all ready to leave on the first day, he wanted to play cards with me until it was time to go. I said that would be fine, but then something made me say, offhandedly, "Ben, why don't we get our sneakers on too so that we're completely ready to walk out the door? Then we can play right up until the last minute!" He agreed and went to get his sneakers. But they weren't by the door. And they weren't in the playroom.

Or his bedroom. Or the living room. Or his brother's room. They weren't even in the bathroom, and I know because I looked through every room and closet of the house. Three times.

As luck would have it, I had put several pairs of sneakers by the front door, in various sizes, since Ben and his brother have a bad habit of outgrowing things when I'm not looking. After two tries, we found a pair that fit perfectly and had about five minutes left to play cards. Then off he went on his new bus, with his new backpack, to his new school.

At the end of a very productive day, I walked out to meet him at the bus stop. He looked OK as he got off the bus, but when I asked him how his day was, he didn't give me his big smile and trademark, "GREAT!" with a thumbs up. I figured he had a long day and a lot to absorb, so we went home for a special after-school snack of milk and cookies before checking out the homework situation.

"I just have to read for 30 minutes," Ben said.

"Great! Let's get it out of the way before dinner. What would you like to read?"

"Mom, I'm still hungry."

"OK, here are some apple slices. Now. Do you want to read in your room or here in the living room."

"Mom, it's my turn to feed Bailey."

"OK, but then come on up and read while I start dinner."

He came back upstairs. "Mom, I have to go to the bathroom."

I was beginning to see a pattern. When I pressed him, all the tension of the day came out. Shouting, tears, demands, refusals and, of course, an 'I hate school!' to make sure I got the point.

Needless to say the reading never got done. Whether it's because Ben feels like he has to be as smart in third grade as his brother is (even though his brother is in sixth grade), or if he misses me or just doesn't adapt to change easily, he fights the routine of the new school year every September. Perhaps it's a combination of things, but he is so stubborn that when he makes up his mind about something, he makes it up 100%. There is no in between for Ben--no flexibility--which means the rest of us have to be extra flexible to help him ease into the new situation.

And I was very proud that I remembered this on the first day of school, rather than after a week of battling with him. I was able to talk to him about it, give him extra love and attention and be a bit more flexible myself, which is no small feat.

Miraculously (coincidentally?), the missing sneakers turned up right by the front door some time before dinner, but no one knew where they came from. Maybe it was a sign that Ben is loosening up a little, and will adjust to school after a few days this year, instead of a few weeks. Or maybe I'm just being blissfully optimistic again.

Until I know for sure, maybe I'll just keep his shoes under my bed.

Alternate Universe

My husband and I like to joke about our kids because Jacob looks just like his dad and acts just like me. Ben, on the other hand, looks just like me, but is in every other way like his father. That is, happiest when he is eating or doing some kind of physical work or play.

So it's not surprising that Ben's most interesting revelations come when he is out, say, hiking in the woods, which is where we were today: Mom, Dad, Ben and Bailey dog.

"OK, Ben," David said. "You're the leader. What does that trail marker say?"

"It's red, Dad, but I'm not the leader. You're the leader."

"Why am I the leader? You're the cub scout."

"Whoever is first in line is the leader," declares the scout.

By now, the dog is way out in front of all of us, having a field day with all the unfamiliar scents in the woods. "Uh oh," I say, "Bailey is first. That means we're in trouble because he's color blind. I hope we don't end up on the wrong trail."

(Silent pause)

"Mom," Ben says speculatively, "what if dogs see the world the right way, and we're the ones seeing it wrong?"

My eyebrows go up. "Oh, you mean like seeing the world in color is what makes it so complicated, and seeing it in black and white the way dogs do is really the better way?"

"Yeah," says Ben.

"That's a very interesting theory, Ben! Then maybe we SHOULD be following Bailey." David and I look at each other, thrilled at his fascinating thought process.

"Yeah," Ben clarifies, "unless he chases a squirrel!"

Expanding Palates

Tonight, my husband brought home a lobster to share with Ben for dinner. Ben, who had never seen a live lobster in his kitchen before, proceeded to quickly go through the five stages of assimilation:

1) Whoa! Dad, is that alive?!?

2) Jacob! Come see this lobster! It's alive!!

3) Can we pet it? Hey, we can keep it in the old fish tank!

4) Wait, we're going to eat it? Aw, poor little guy!

5) Wait, lobsters taste better than crab? Yum!

Ok, I made up the part about there being five stages of assimilation. But still, you can see how his thought process goes.

Jacob, on the other hand--the one who won't bait a hook because he "doesn't believe in killing innocent worms"--was appalled on more levels than I could count. That Dad had brought home a live, gigantic, bug-like creature (when he knows how much Mom hates bugs); that he put it on the kitchen counter; that it had beady eyes and moved when he petted it; that Dad was going to kill it; that Dad and Ben were then going to eat it. Indeed, it was almost enough to kill his own appetite. Until he found out he was having steak.

When I asked Jacob if he was at least going to try the lobster, he said, "Mom, it's cruel to eat animals!" It was at this point that I pointed out where steak came from. That is, an animal much softer, warmer and with bigger and sweeter eyes than a lobster.

"OK," Jacob conceded, "it's cruel to eat animals after you pet them first."

I wonder if he's going to be a lawyer or a lobbyist when he groes up. One thing I can be sure of: he definitely won't be a vegetarian. Unless he's a farmer.

Coffee Break

Ben hates to get water in his face. Showers are a power struggle, swim lessons were a no-go and even water parks are a turn off since he came down the slide and--because he was so light--flew off the end so fast, he didn't have time to stand up. He actually ended up going under water in a sitting position.

But he wants to overcome this fear and loathing, and this is never more evident than when he watches his brother make friends with every other kid on the beach, and then head out into the waves with them to boogie board.

So I hold Ben's hand, and we stand waist-deep in the ocean. The waves come up, Ben jumps and turns his head away from the splash, and asks me every few minutes to go out farther into the water. Occasionally when a wave splashes him in the face, he drops my hand, runs to the towel to dry himself off, and then returns for more.

Last night was a full moon, and I remembered it today when we were at the beach playing chicken with the waves near the shore. We watched Jacob, his friends and his dad frolicking in the swells, and I decided to see if Ben knew about the effect of the moon on the waves.

"Hey Ben, do you know who controls the waves?" I asked him. His eyes widened at the thought that someone was actually in charge of these things, and for a moment I thought he was going to say, "Pop-pop?"

"Who?" he asked, clearly intrigued. I could imagine him silently penning a letter to this person as we spoke.

"The Man in the Moon," I told him. But before I could explain how it all worked, he looked out at his brother and said, with no hint of sarcasm,

"Well I wish he'd turn them off for a while so I could go out farther."

Digging Deeper

One of Ben's favorite activities when we visit the coast of North Carolina each summer is to capture and observe the little digger clams that proliferate the shore. We dig in the wet sand, scoop up the each smooth, shiny-shelled mollusk and put it into a bucket filled with sand and water. The clam sits on top of the sand and within a minute, sticks out its tiny hatchet foot, tilts itself up on one end and then digs down under the sand in a matter of seconds.

One of my favorite activities is digging for these clams alongside Ben. His curiosity and enthusiasm are so much fun to watch, and if I let him he would dig in the sand for hours. He is a 'nature boy' who loves the natural world around him--whether it be working in the yard, weeding the garden, picking berries or looking for cool insects. He is in every way his father's son.

While I sat meditating on the wonderful situation we found ourselves in--alone and rapt over something together that did not involve a homework assignment or video game--another young beach visitor stopped by. Peering in our bucket, the boy, who was about eleven years old, asked if we'd caught anything. As Ben pulled up some of the clams and showed him how they dig, the boy proceeded to fish around in the sand next to his foot, and with his hands pulled out a clam to add to Ben's collection. His mom called him away just then and, as he left, Ben commented on the boy's actions.

"He was really nice. Clams are nice too. Basically, anything that's harmless is nice," he said nonchalantly.

But the way he'd phrased it, choosing the word 'harmless', made me wonder if something upsetting was going on in his head.

See, Ben is the type of kid who, when put into bed at night, will lie in the dark and come up with questions like, "Mom, what do blind people see? Is it total blackness, or total whiteness or something else?" It's no wonder he has such a hard time getting to sleep when his mind is trying to puzzle out such questions. So even though his comment seemed innocuous, knowing him as I do, I decided to do a little digging of my own, into his brain.

"You're right, Ben, he was nice. What would you consider 'not nice'?" I asked.

Bracing myself for an answer like 'bullies,' 'mean kids,' 'my brother,' or 'scary dogs,' I hoped my tone came off as more curious than prying. I held my breath.

"Laser beams," he replied.

I bit my tongue to keep from laughing at his answer, as he might misconstrue it as laughing at him.

"Ah, yes, being shot by a laser beam doesn't sound very nice."

Soon after, we decided it was time to free the little clams. As we placed them back on the beach one by one, they dug their way back into the shore unscathed. When I noticed one that didn't seem to be moving at all, despite my nudging and re-positioning of it, I tried to decide if I should hide it from Ben or tell him that I thought the clam was dead. He spotted it before I had a chance to choose.

"That guy's not digging."

"I know, Ben, I think he might be dead."

"Or maybe he's just sleeping."

"Hm, maybe," I said cautiously as he continued to stare at the motionless clam.

"Yeah," he went on, getting more sure of himself. "Maybe he's just a hard core sleeper."

"HA!" This time, I couldn't help but laugh out loud at his choice of words. "Oh, I mean yeah, you're probably right. He's hard core. Let's tuck him in so no one eats him while he's sleeping," I suggested.

"Great idea, Mom. You're really nice."

I don't always have the answers to Ben's questions. But knowing he doesn't mind my digging around to get him to share them with me is enough. Maybe even enough for Ben.

Photo credit: Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission

Hilton Retirement Plan

I love watching Ben mature, yet every now and then he will come out with one of those statements that just underscores for me how his still-young brain works. We haven't been to the Berkshires since my father-in-law passed away last year, and decided it was time we took a ride up as a family. My mother-in-law recently moved to a senior living facility, and the kids love it there. Between the ping pong table, the swimming pool and the restaurant-style dining room, they are never bored. Ben, though, is still making the logistical adjustment in his brain from the old house they used to own to this new place. Tonight I threw him a curve. The last time this happened, the conversation was almost as funny.

Me: "Ben, be sure to get some rest. We don't want you to get sick because we're going to Grandma's house in Massachusetts this weekend."

Ben: "Wait, which house?"

Me: "The one with the tennis courts and the lake. Remember?"

Ben: "You mean the hotel with all the old people?"

Me: "No, that's her new apartment."

Ben: "Wait, you mean the one where we SLEEP OVER??"

Me: "That's the one!"

Ben: "Better take cover, Mom. I think my head's going to explode."

Lounge Lizard

When Jacob was born, he weighed six pounds and one ounce. That's about three-quarters of what a gallon of milk weighs. I can still remember when he was just a couple of weeks old, and we went to visit friends who had triplets. The triplets were exactly six months to-the-day older than Jacob. And they were HUGE. I remember looking at them and then looking at Jacob and thinking, I cannot believe my child will ever be that big. Ever. No way. Can't happen.

Well, last week Jacob discovered the Teen Lounge in our town. No, he's not a teenager yet, but on Mondays, the Lounge is open to kids entering 6th grade this fall. Having grown substantially since birth (which seems like, oh, last week), he was eager to check out this new 'tween scene. So I took some deep breaths to silence my heart palpitations, and said "of course I'll drive you there."

When we arrived, there were about 15 kids there already. Several were inside playing various games while others were spilling out the door onto the stairs. Great! I thought. Jacob isn't the only one here! Then he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Mom, I don't see any boys."

Neither did I.

I convinced Jacob to come inside anyway so we could look around and get some information. Outfitted with a bumper pool table, ping pong table, big screen television, couch, foozball and vending machine, the place was deemed 'cool' by Jacob. And the adult supervisor who registered him, checked him in and gave me the low-down and a list of rules for Jacob to study, made me think the same thing.

The question remained: stay or leave?

Jacob decided to stay, and asked if he could remain until closing at 10pm. I said he could, gave him my cell phone in case he changed his mind, then headed out before he had a chance.

On the way home, I tried to recall what it's like to be almost 11 years old, and when I remembered, I cringed at the thought of the social situations I often found myself in. Girls who knew more about the mechanics of girls' bodies than I (or at least sounded like they did), boys whose actions were mysterious, bizarre and contradictory, and me in the middle. Learning to relate to others was a very difficult process for me--the back and forth of relationships was something I would not fully grasp until many years later.

So in a way, I felt that games like ping pong, bumper pool and foozball were perfect vehicles for relating at this age. Children learn through play, after all, and my hope is that Jacob can learn to negotiate the delicate dance of social interaction by being in this environment. Instead of competing about who knows more about sex, or who has tried out which evil deed or web page, they can actually connect over friendly--and harmless--forms of competition. Innocent back-and-forth situations can help facilitate ones that are more complex.

When I picked him up later that night, he was grinning from ear to ear. We had a bit of chat with the supervisors, who praised him for his courage in staying with so many girls. Blushing, Jacob was tongue tied and, I daresay, speechless.

Considering the only time Jacob is speechless is when he's unconscious, I'm going to assume he had fun.