Saturday, January 17, 2009

Hell Is So Cold

I don't know why it's taken me over 40 years to realize that I hate the cold. I'm relatively smart; you'd think I would have figured this out years ago and moved to California before setting down roots, but no. It occurred to me last night, as I was walking the dog in six degree temperatures, while wearing four layers of clothes and feeling my nose hairs freezing before I got to the end of my driveway. Winter is my version of hell.

In order to be warm I must wear several shirts and pairs of pants at once. This leads to exponential amounts of laundry, so it's like having an adult-sized newborn in the house. Normally this would not be a problem, as I have no desire to leave the house between January and March, so could spend all of my time washing clothes in my nice, warm house and therefore never fall behind.

But I have children. And it snows in winter. So I MUST leave the house in order to take them sleigh riding and snowball fighting and snowman building. Not only do I have to leave the house, I have to stay outdoors in the cold weather. As if this wasn't bad enough, I must also somehow convey a positive attitude and actually feign enthusiasm for being outside. It helps if I am smiling when I leave the house, as the smile freezes there within moments of stepping outside.

My hatred of being outside in winter leads to my attempts to stay indoors as much as possible doing fun things. I build fires in the fireplace, rent movies, do crafts and bake. But then I get stir crazy, and the only way to remedy that is to go out. But I don't want to go out because it's so very flippin' cold. So I'm trapped. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Finally, winter is dark. A lot. It's dark in the morning and it's dark after school, so I always feel like I'm in a cave. The way I see it, if I'm going to feel like I'm trapped in a cave all winter, I'd be better off hibernating. If I stayed in bed until spring, my family wouldn't have to deal with my crankiness and I wouldn't have to deal with winter. It's a win-win situation.

Since my children are already entrenched in school, activities, and community involvement, I figure this will be much easier than uprooting them and moving to someplace warm. So I just need to make up a meal schedule for them to follow from now until spring, hire a cleaning lady, and turn on my electric blanket. It's my only viable way out of this hell.

Wake me when it's over.


frank vitale said...

I used to like winter. Please don't turn me against it. At 6 degrees I am not sure I have the strength to hang on.


Dawn A. Niece Panzarino said...

I really enjoyed this=)

Snowbrush said...

I'm not keen on winter either. When we moved to Oregon from Mississippi, I was aware that the Willamette Valley got constant rain in winter, but I hadn't counted on how short the days were. Then we got two dogs, and, like you with your kids, I feel that I MUST take them out every last rainy day from November to June. No fun. If not for the filthy cars that snowy places have, I think I had rather live in the snow than in the rain, but I would prefer someplace warm and relatively drier to either.

Anonymous said...

it would be cruel to tell you what the weather is like in CA. Though you have an open invitation to come & visit anytime! Dare I point out that if you were to make such a brazen move that I could set you up with some very nice Lego-playing boys?